Missing Moments
by likeaperfectstorm
Summary: Meredith, unable to handle the reminder of Derek in Seattle, packs up her kids and goes to San Diego. Here she grieves the loss of her husband and begins to heal. These are the moments from those 9 months that we didn't get to see.


**Okay, so I've never written fan fiction before but I needed to do this for my own sanity because I hated how we got maybe 5 minutes of Meredith in the whole 2 hours when this is supposed to be her show. Again, I've never written a story before so I'm sure there's some mistakes and not the best writing but I tried! Also, I had to guess at kids ages and their anniversary bc the show never really talks about it but I think I did alright. I hope you enjoy the story!**

It's not until the kids are asleep in the backseat of the car and they're somewhere an hour south of Seattle that Meredith realizes that she has no idea what she's doing.

She doesn't know where she's going or what she was thinking when she pulled the kids out of bed and loaded them into the car without a second thought other than the note that she barely remembered to write for Amelia. She doesn't know anything other than the fact that Derek is dead. He's dead and she could not stand to be in that house, _their_ house, for another minute. She couldn't stand looking around and picturing him in every single room, couldn't sleep in their bed knowing he wasn't ever coming back, couldn't take the sad, sad looks of pity and concern from _everyone_. She couldn't handle any of it. So she left. And here she is now, driving down the I-5 in the middle of the night with no goddamn idea what she's doing.

 _I can do this,_ she repeats to herself over and over, willing herself to believe it. _I can._ She will not pull over to the side of the road and break down, like she so badly wants to do. She will not give up and she will not grow cold like her own mother did. She can do this. She has to.

She ends up driving all through the night. She couldn't sleep even if she had wanted to, and with each passing mile she feels herself finally being able to breathe again, so she drives.

* * *

The rising sun is the only thing that makes Meredith realize just how long she's been driving for and Bailey wakes with a confused cry and Meredith feels guilty that he's been in his car seat all night when he should have woken up in his own bed, but she forces herself to push her thoughts aside. _I'm doing this for them,_ she thinks, _I'm doing this so I can be the mom that they need. Because I can't do that in Seattle, not now._

Soon after, Zola wakes up too and with both of the kids up the reality that this is now her life hits her all over again. She gets off at the next exit, the sign had shown there was an IHOP and she decides that she'll stop there. She can stop and get her kids pancakes. She can't do much right now, but she can do that.

Once she has parked she pulls out her phone to look at her maps (she'll never use her phone while driving again, she can't have her kids losing both of their parents in a car crash) and discovers that they're in a small town around 30 miles from San Francisco. She thinks back to a trip that she and her roommates had taken there her junior year of college and she almost smiles. Things had been so simple then. _God, what I wouldn't do for simple,_ she thinks.

When she opens the back door to get the kids out she realizes that they're still in their pajamas. With a quick glance down she remembers that she never changed out of her dress after the funeral. She's standing in a parking lot of an IHOP at 7:30 in the morning 800 miles away from home wearing the dress that she wore when she buried her dead husband and her kids are in their pajamas. She almost laughs at the ridiculousness of the entire situation.

She makes a plan in her head. Eat breakfast. Decide where it is that they're going. Buy new clothes for her and the kids. She'll need to buy new toys for the kids too. New everything, really. She doesn't know what she was thinking leaving so impulsively, without _anything._ But she can't go back now, she knows that much.

* * *

She lets Zola order a milkshake to go with her pancakes, even though she knows hours in a car with two kids on a sugar high is probably the worst idea ever. But her dad is dead and her mom uprooted her from her entire life, and so she lets her get a milkshake.

As soon as they've ordered their food Zola wastes no time in asking Meredith where it is that they're going.

"I'm not sure yet, sweetie. Where would you like to go?"

"The beach?" she asks after a few seconds.

Meredith thinks about it and decides that she has no better ideas, so why not?

"Sure," she tells Zola, and the smile on her little girl's face is the first thing to make her laugh since her whole world came crashing down a week ago.

* * *

She decides on San Diego, after a quick Google search of the best beaches in California. She decides that the always sunny weather is just what they need to escape the barricade of memories she had been assaulted with at every turn in rainy Seattle.

They're only around 7 hours away, _8 or 9, really,_ Meredith thinks, _if we'll have to stop for lunch and to let the kids stretch their legs_ , so she decides that they'll drive there today. She books a hotel room in downtown San Diego from her phone while sitting in the restaurant and she watches her kids. Zola's busy stuffing her face with pancakes, and she already sees that her face is covered in syrup, and Bailey picks at his little pieces of cut up pancakes while he babbles. He's been speaking his own gibberish constantly lately and Meredith knows that it won't be much longer until he starts talking in words that they can understand. She remembers how excited she and Derek had been when they had been able to start having conversations with Zola and she feels her heart breaking that he won't be there for Bailey. He's going to miss so much _,_ she realizes.

She hasn't let herself feel the full extent of what she's lost yet and across the breakfast table from her kids probably is not the best place to start, so she forces these thoughts out of her mind and makes herself eat the toast and eggs that she had ordered and finishes her second coffee of the morning. It's going to be a long day.

* * *

They get into San Diego at around 5 and they need to go shopping and eat dinner, and by the time that they're back to the hotel it's late enough that Zola doesn't even complain about not getting to go to the beach and goes to bed without a struggle. Meredith ignores the missed calls on her phone and finally allows herself to succumb to sleep as well.

The next day she takes them to the beach and tries her hardest not to notice all of the families surrounding them, to not feel so jealous of every wife she sees there with their husband. Tries to focus all of her energy into smiling for her kids. They had taken Zola to the beach for a week after Lexie had died and before they had moved into their new house, and Meredith is surprised to find that she still knows exactly what to do at the beach. As soon as they arrive she wants to build a sandcastle (she had insisted they needed to buy shovels and pails for herself and Bailey at one of the stores that they had gone to the night before) and play in the ocean. This is Bailey's first time at the beach and while he seems to be unsure of what to think of all of the sand at first, by the end of the day he is covered in it and laughing hysterically every time a wave crashes onto his feet when Meredith stands with him by the ocean's edge.

They end up staying for most of the day and the kids fall asleep early thanks to the long day spent in the sun. As they sleep, Meredith looks down at them and thinks that, despite everything, today had been a good day. It's the first time since the police had shown up at her house that she thinks she may actually be able to do this.

* * *

It takes a few days, but she finds a house for them to rent. It's a three bedroom, pre-furnished house that's a five minute walk from the beach and she can pay month-to-month, which is great, because she has absolutely no idea how long they'll be staying for. But, most importantly, it is the epitome of a beach home and looks absolutely nothing like their house in the woods.

They settle into a new routine. It's much quieter and calmer than their life in Seattle had ever been, but it suits the three of them just fine. She doesn't work, so they fill the day with trips to the beach or the park, and go on walks around the neighborhood every day.

The kids still ask about their dad, mostly Zola, and she puts on a brave face and answers their questions as best as she can most of the time. The day that Zola realizes that he really isn't coming back she cries for hours and Meredith feels completely useless as she lies with her daughter in bed and whispers soothing words. Before falling asleep Zola begs her not to die too and Meredith promises her daughter that she isn't going anywhere.

Meredith does not let herself fall apart. She doesn't let herself feel any of the pain that's constantly trying to worm its way into her heart. She feels empty inside but every morning she puts a smile on her face and forces laughter and hopes against hope that one day she won't need to fake this.

* * *

Bailey turns two a few weeks later and they go to the zoo to celebrate and he and Zola shriek and laugh at all of the animals. She lets them get their faces painted, Zola gets a tiger and Bailey gets a monkey.

She buys them the ridiculously overpriced pizza and ice cream, and they go back to look at the new baby jaguar one last time before leaving.

At home they have cake and Zola helps him to open his presents before she tucks them into bed.

She tucks him into bed that night, running her hand across his cheek. She knows that he takes after her in most of her traits, but when she looks at him she sees more of Derek in him every day. And she's glad that she still has a piece of Derek in their son, in Derek Bailey Shepherd. She kisses Bailey's forehead and tries to understand how it's possible that her baby boy is two. He's growing up so fast, but he's also still so little. He's not going to remember Derek at all, likely, and it isn't fair. Derek had been such a good dad, he had been so excited to teach Bailey about the Yankees and to take him fishing on the weekends like his dad had done with him, and now that entire future is gone, just like that. They're going to grow up without a father, just like she and Derek had. She loves her kids more than anything, they deserve all of the love in the world and she doesn't know how she'll be enough for them. But she's trying.

* * *

They've been in San Diego for seven weeks when she finally buys a pregnancy test.

When she had missed her period the month before she hadn't thought anything of it, didn't have time to think anything of it. But she was supposed to get it again three days ago and there's still no sign of it. She tells herself that she's being ridiculous as she shoves it into her cart at Target. That she's felt achy and sick and sleepy because she's now a single mom of two kids and Derek is dead. Derek is dead and she can't be pregnant _. She can't be._ She'll take the test and it'll tell her as much and she'll finally be able to silence the little voice in the back of her head that keeps asking _what if?_

She takes the test that night, while Zola and Bailey are asleep. The box says that is takes 2-3 minutes for the result to pop up and she holds that stick and stares at it the whole time. Seconds pass, or maybe hours, and suddenly, clear as day: _pregnant._

 _No,_ she thinks to herself, _this can't be happening. This isn't possible._ They had tried so hard and for so long before they adopted Zola and it still took another year and a half after they had her before she got pregnant with Bailey. And now, Derek was back home for a _week_ and she's _pregnant?_

This can't be happening. She counts on her fingers quickly and realizes she must be about 8 weeks along. _That's still early,_ she thinks. _I could still lose it. Or… Or I could have a baby in 8 months._ She has no idea which thought is more terrifying.

Her hands are shaking but she still cannot take her eyes off of the test. _Pregnant._ She feels her eyes well with tears and, for the first time since she said goodbye to him in that hospital, she lets herself feel everything. All of the hurt and pain of losing Derek. He had been the love of her life, he had shown her what it meant to be loved unconditionally, how to let go of her fears and her ghosts. He had made her believe in happily ever afters and here she was, all alone in the world except for the children that he had given her. And it was hard. God, it was so hard. She woke up every morning wondering what it would be like if she had been the one to have died instead. And now she was supposed to go through all of this alone. Three kids and no Derek. And, oh, she is mad. She is furious at the universe, no matter how bad things get for her they always seem to get worse, and it isn't fair. It isn't fair that this is her life and she doesn't think that there's anything that she can do to change it.

So, she cries. She cries and cries until she can't see straight. She cries for herself, how she has to go through the rest of her life without him. She cries for Zola who will never get to have her dad walk her down the aisle. She cries for Bailey who will never get to go camping with Derek and talk about all of the things that he won't be able to talk with Meredith about. She cries for the baby that they had made on their last day together and that it will never meet its father. She cries for him. He would have so badly wanted to be here for all of this and he can't be. She cries because she misses him. _God, she misses him._

She gives herself the night to fall apart and the next morning, despite her puffy face and the pit she feels in her stomach she forces herself to push these thoughts aside and to focus on Zola and Bailey because she still has them, and they need her.

* * *

The first week of June Meredith goes to her first doctor's appointment. She finds a daycare a few blocks from the doctor and drops the kids off. _It'll be good for them, playing with other kids like they used to,_ she thinks, and she didn't want to bring them with her.

She sits in the waiting room, and though there are other women there by themselves, she can't help but feel that everyone's eyes are on her. She hopes that people around her are assuming her boyfriend ditched her when he found out about the baby. That sounds less miserable than the fact that her husband is dead and she's all alone down here other than her other two kids that he left behind with her.

She fills out her paperwork and stumbles when she reaches the emergency contact section. Derek is dead and Cristina is 7,000 miles away and they have always been her people and she has no idea who to put down. But Alex hasn't stopped calling. She hasn't answered any of his calls, hasn't answered anyone's, but he hasn't stopped trying, so she writes his name.

She's nervous and scared and she had forgotten how uncomfortable this first visit is.

But as soon as she hears her baby's heartbeat, Derek's baby, she knows that she wants this. It will be hard but she can do it. She has to do it.

She sits in her car and stares at the ultrasound pictures for ages before she stuffs them back into her purse and leaves to go pick up the kids.

January 14th, the doctor told her, that's the due date of her baby. It feels nice having something to look forward to again.

* * *

What would have been Meredith and Derek's sixth wedding anniversary passes and, for the first time since they've been in San Diego, it rains. Meredith wakes up to dark clouds and the pounding of rain against the windows and wants nothing more to stay in bed all day, but wallowing won't do anybody any good so she takes the kids to see a movie.

She's trying so hard. She wants nothing more than to be different than her mother, to be stronger, to be better, to be kinder, more loving. So she puts all of her energy into Zola and Bailey. She spends the days playing with them, reading them books, going on walks, to the beach, to the movies, out for ice cream, all of the things that her mother never would have done with her. And they seem happy. They miss their dad of course, but they're young enough to not feel the full weight of what it is that they've lost quite yet. But, for the first time in Meredith's life, she truly understands her mother. Why she up and left for Boston without bothering to let Meredith even say goodbye to her dad, why she threw herself into her work; when you lose the person you love most in the world, you lose a piece of yourself too. And while she would never have reacted to her kids in the way that her mother did to her, she understands it, that her mother had done the best that she could at the time. And Meredith finally forgives her.

* * *

Time begins to pass rather quickly after that, and they're all adjusting to their new life as a family of 3.

They go to Coronado for the fourth of July and watch the fireworks. Bailey falls asleep before they even start and somehow sleeps through the whole show.

Zola turns 5 and they spend the day at a tea room having a real tea party, much to Zola's joy, and painting ceramics (though Bailey mostly just makes a mess). Zola laughs and smiles and is patient with her little brother for the whole day and none of them focus on the fact that there should be a fourth person there with them.

They have days where they just stay at home together and others where they go to Legoland or The New Children's Museum or Balboa Park and it is so very different than any life that Meredith had ever envisioned for herself but she finds that she enjoys it. That this is what she needs to be doing for the time being.

* * *

It's mid-August and Meredith is in the exam room of her doctor's office. Usually she dreads these appointments, but today's is one that she has been looking forward to. Today, she gets to find out if the baby is a boy or a girl.

She hadn't even known that she'd had a preference until the doctor had actually said the words, _it looks like you'll be having a little girl,_ that she realized she had so badly wanted another daughter. Before they adopted Zola, Meredith had always had a picture in her mind, of the baby that they had lost or of the baby that they were meant to have in the future she was never sure, but it was always a girl and she always looked just like Derek.

Though the information was scary (knowing that the baby was a girl made it all so real), it was also happy. The last little piece of Derek left was her daughter inside of her. It made all of the heartache she felt dull just a little.

* * *

Zola starts kindergarten the week after that and despite the fact that her backpack is nearly as big as she is Meredith can't help but think how grown up her girl is.

She and Bailey are alone at the house for those few hours and it is so much quieter, so much lonelier.

"You're never allowed to grow up, okay Bay?" she asks him as they play with legos at the kitchen table.

"Momma's silly" he laughs and she smiles at him.

She thinks of the baby that will be here in a few short months and realizes that her son will be the only boy in a house full of girls, just as his father had been. She hopes that she will be able to raise him to be as good of a man as Derek had been.

* * *

That night, after Bailey has been tucked in, Meredith sits on the couch with Zola, listening to her daughter talk all about her first day at school. She tells Meredith about the friends that she made and about her teacher, about the crafts that she made, and the playground at recess, and Meredith cannot believe that the little baby that she had been terrified of screwing up has grown into such a smart, kind little girl.

"Oh, and guess what Mommy?" Zola asks, practically shrieking.

"What Zozo?"

"We have a class bunny! His name is Chester and he's so so cute, mommy! Can we get a bunny?" Zola asks, and Meredith hesitates. She hasn't told anyone about the baby yet, she hadn't wanted to risk saying anything until she was sure everything was okay and she knows that 9 months is like an eternity to little kids but there are only 4 months to go now and she thinks that now is the perfect opportunity.

"Well, Zola, we can't have a bunny, but in January we are going to have a new baby," Meredith says.

"A baby? Like a real baby like Bailey was?" Zola asks.

"Yeah, a new little baby just like how Bailey was," Meredith says, "It's in Mommy's belly right now."

"But who is its Daddy? How did it get in there without a Daddy?"

"Well the baby's Daddy is your Daddy, Zo. Daddy and I made it before he had to leave us, he left us a new baby to have in our family," Meredith tries to explain.

"Oh, okay," Zola says and Meredith is glad that simply answers are enough for five year olds. "Is it a brother or a sister?"

"It's a little sister, a baby girl," Meredith smiles, knowing that Zola, who had refused to believe that Bailey was going to be a brother until he had actually been born, was going to be very happy about this.

She wasn't wrong, Zola had screamed with joy about her new sister (to which Meredith had to remind her that Bailey was asleep and they needed to be quiet).

Later that night, when Zola was going to bed she kissed Meredith's small belly, just as she used to do before Bailey was born, and just before Meredith closed the door she heard Zola whisper "Thank you Daddy for giving me my baby sister."

* * *

The summer gives way to fall, which in San Diego, means that the average temperature is only around 10 degrees cooler.

Zola is in school for a few hours every day and when Bailey takes his afternoon nap, Meredith does too. She's getting bigger and taking care of two kids all day is exhausting, so she naps when Bailey naps and she goes to sleep not long after Zola has.

She hasn't been this exhausted since she was an intern, but the kisses goodnight and little voices and laughs make up for it in a way that no surgery could.

They've been in San Diego for over 6 months and she still hasn't talked to anyone from Seattle and eventually the calls begin to fade away. Cristina tries to call every now and then and Alex calls at least once a week still, but other than that it seems everyone has accepted that she's where she needs to be for now, and for that she's grateful.

She takes the kids trick or treating, Zola is a mermaid this year and Bailey is a pirate.

They all eat way too much candy and Meredith let's them stay up hours past their bedtime watching Halloweentown on TV.

She loves spending time with them, and cuddled on the couch with them, she's happy. It's not the same as the Halloween party at Alex's last year, but she realizes that different can still be good.

* * *

Thanksgiving is harder. Though Meredith's mom was rarely home for Thanksgiving when she was a kid, since moving back to Seattle it had become her favorite holiday. She liked that years that she spent it at the old house, with all of her roommates, sometimes with practically the whole hospital, the years that she had her sister for, the ones spent with Derek, the ones with the kids as well, she loved them all.

Thanksgiving is special because of your family, and being with just the kids is hard. She throws together the best meal that she can and takes them to the beach for a little while the turkey cooks. She can at least make the day nice for them.

She's feeling mopey, so when Alex calls she answers, and it's nice to see his face again, even if it is just for a few seconds. He's family, and he deserves to know that she and the kids are still doing okay. But she isn't ready to talk to him yet, to talk to any of them. She isn't sure when she will be, but she knows she can't run away from the past forever, so she watches her kids play in the sand and enjoys this little escape for as long as they can.

They eat dinner and, though Meredith has been cooking a lot more ever since she's been a mother, she is still amazed at herself for not overcooking the turkey. It's not a perfect life, or even a perfect day, but when she looks across the dinner table, she is so thankful for what she does have.

* * *

She finally gets Zola to stay in bed a little after 10 o'clock on Christmas Eve and she waits until a little before 11 until she sets the presents out to make sure that she's really asleep and isn't going to see that it's Meredith setting everything up and not Santa.

She had been determined to make this a good Christmas. Zola could remember the year before, and she knew that the holidays were making her miss Derek (they made Meredith miss him too) and so she had started decorating the house only days after Thanksgiving.

They had gone and looked at the lit up houses on Candy Cane Lane and had bought a tree that they all decorated together (it was fake, but Meredith couldn't lift a real one even if she hadn't been nine months pregnant). They baked cookies for Santa and visited him at the mall. They watched countless Christmas movies and listened to the songs all month.

She had bought them way too many toys, trying to make the rough year up to them.

She wakes up the next morning at a little after 6 to Zola and Bailey bursting into the room and into the bed with her, looks of awe on their face.

"He came!" Zola says, "Santa came! We have to see what he got us Mommy!"

So they get up before the sun and she makes cinnamon rolls (a tradition she and Derek had started the Christmas after their post-it wedding) while the kids look in their stockings.

They eat breakfast while they open presents and with each present opened their excitement (and volume) levels only seem to grow.

Zola opens the few presents that they had gotten for the new baby (Zola had insisted that her sister needed presents too and Santa might not know about her so it was up to them) and Meredith realizes that with Christmas here, the new baby is the next thing to look forward to. She's not sure that she'll ever be ready, but it is an exciting thought.

They end up going to the beach (Meredith feels like they're always there, but both kids love it and it feels wrong not to take advantage of the always sunny weather), and it is so unlike Christmases of the past, that Meredith finds herself missing Seattle, and not just Derek or her friends, but her home and her life there, for the first time.

* * *

When she first wakes up all that she can focus on is how tired she is, but she quickly remembers what happened and sits up, reaching out of bed for the call button for a nurse.

The last thing that she remembers is bleeding and Zola panicking. She remembers having to call 911 for her mom when she was around her age and she needs to know that Zola is okay. That Bailey and her are safe and that her new baby daughter is too.

It only takes a minute or so for a nurse to enter, smiling at her. Before Meredith can ask any questions, the nurse cuts her off.

"Everything is fine. It was a placental abruption, but the baby is fine, she's perfectly healthy and we can bring her in whenever you're ready. The older kids are sleeping in the daycare and they're fine too," the nurse says and Meredith lets out a breath. "We called your husband and he's on his way."

"My husband?" Meredith asks, knowing that she can't mean Derek but hoping anyway that his death had been a terrible anesthesia-induced dream.

"Yes, Dr. Karev? He's on a flight from Seattle now."

Right, Meredith remembers now that when filling the emergency contact out she had listed Alex as her husband, rather than friend. She thinks that a month ago she would have dreaded Alex's visit, but she's ready to see her friend, she thinks. To take her kids (all three of them, she realizes) and go home. To begin to start really healing.

She thanks the nurse and tells her that she's ready to meet her daughter, and she swears that her heart stops the first time that she sees her. She already loves her so much.

She holds her near and hushes her until her cries subside. She can't take her eyes off of her. She's so beautiful, and she looks at her and sees Derek. She hopes that she'll grow to have his eyes and hair, just as Bailey had gotten hers, but either way, she knows that she'll always be able to see Derek in her children. He's in the way that Zola laughs, throwing her head back just as he always had, in the way that she can talk and talk and never run out of things to say. He's in Bailey's dreamy smile and his little nose and his ability to charm himself out of any trouble. And he'll be in this little girl too. So she holds her daughter close and kisses her twice, once from her and once from Derek.

"Thank you for her," Meredith whispers, sending her thoughts into the universe, hoping that Derek can somehow hear, that he knows that she'll love their kids enough for the both of them and never let them forget how great of a man their father was.

She looks down at the baby again and smiles "Hi Ellis, hi baby," she coos.

She had thought for a while that that would be the baby's name, and now that she's here she knows that it is. She understands her mother in a way now that she never would have been able to before, and she knows that it was cruel circumstance that made her mother cold. She wants her to have a chance, for this Ellis to have a chance, to do things over, to make different choices, better choices.

* * *

Alex comes and brings the kids up to visit Meredith and Ellis before bringing them back to the house for the night. The next afternoon he comes back to bring Meredith and Ellis home. It's strange, having a baby in the house again. Having three kids feels so different than having two had, it feels harder, but her heart feels fuller than it has in so long, and she knows that she could never picture life without the baby now that she's here.

The kids _love_ their little sister and are constantly asking to hold her. Meredith is recovering and Alex helps to take care of the kids, says that he'll stay until she's ready to go back to Seattle, that everyone there misses her and wants to help, wants to make sure that she knows that she isn't in this alone. And she believes him. Her friends at the hospital have become her family. Derek's sister is there and so is hers, and the kids deserve to have that.

When Ellie is two weeks old they make the trip. Such a long drive with two small kids and an infant sounds like a recipe for disaster, but Meredith agrees with Alex that it's time to go, so one day near the end of January Alex packs up the kids' toys and some of their clothes (most of it won't fit by the time it's warm enough in Seattle anyway) and he gets the kids settled into the car while she holds Ellis close, shutting the door behind them.

Bailey doesn't remember much of their life in Seattle but Zola is excited to be going back. She talks about playing with Sofia and sleeping in her bed in her pink room back home. She tells Bailey that there's even more toys there for them to play with, and that's enough for him to be excited for it too. Zola checks that they're still bringing Baby Ellie, as they've started calling her, back with them and Meredith and Alex both laughed before assuring her that Ellie is with them for good.

Meredith looks out at the house from the passenger seat window as they drive away and she feels a twinge of sadness to leave this house behind. In the time that they had been there they had made it their home. That was the house where Zola started school, where Bailey grew from a baby into a little boy, the house that they brought Ellie home to, the house where she learned to feel okay again after losing everything. But it was time. Time to go back to the home that Derek built for their family, time to face her old demons in the house, to finally really move on from the pain instead of running from it, and, when Ellie was a little bit older, time to go back to work. To save lives and to prove to herself that she could be a good surgeon and a great mom.

* * *

They get in late that night and Alex gets the kids ready for bed while Meredith looks around the house. It's hard being back already. Being constantly reminded of what it is that she lost. But it's also a reminder. She was faced with what felt like the impossible, but she survived. She's made it out on the other side and she isn't going to stop, she's going to keep going forward. She's making the choice to go forward.

 **So, there is is. I hope that you enjoyed it! I'm amazed that I actually finished this, I probably spent way too much time on it, but I needed to fill in the blanks in Meredith's story for myself so I figured I might as well share it with you all as well! I'm not sure if I'll ever write more one shots, but I mean I never thought that I would write this, so who knows! Let me know what you thought!**


End file.
